Saturday, 21 February 2015

How To: Learn Any Subject In One Night

People reading this, you know why we need to learn a subject in one night. Those of you who don't - I don't understand you! How we put ourselves in such situations is still a mystery to me, well not really, but anyways.
Still, worry not people, because I'm here, with quite a lot of experience in dealing with subjects and their absurdly big syllabi in a very, very short amount of time.

Some of the subjects sound so cool when you hear their name, but a semester later you realize that they conveniently leave out how to make money off the stock market or leverage negotiations in your favor.  

So when my interest faded off, I realized that I was not aware of much of the contents of those particular subjects. It was the time when I was supposed to write the exams a few days later.
This is the index of my journey to somehow cram the contents of these subjects into my mind in one night, as the title suggests.

11:00 PM: IN THE MOOD I shall do this. This shall be done by me as effortlessly as I break into passive voice. HA! I'll start from the back of this book and work my way backwards.
Just bring it whatever's-the-name-on-the-book's-cover. Bring it!

11:50 PM: Behind schedule, but a chapter down. And this chapter counts for more because it's one of those with awkward ending and beginning. Also suddenly I feel a sense of bonding with the subject. I would let it cry on my shoulder and soil my fancy shirt if it were upset. Moving on. 
Note to self: That TV show I'm watching, it's evil.

1:30 AM: Small amount of confidence decimated after talking with a friend. I'm scratching my head, holding my knees and rocking back and forth. This impressive sight is beheld by Vaio (My vaio's name is Vaio. I couldn't think of anything more awesome) "Need to up my level, come on!" The night is still young and if not then it's almost pre-pubescent. There's still a lot of time to take advantage of it. 
That joke sounds a bit inappropriate, I guess.

2:15 AM: There's just something about Clapton playing that Stratocaster. Wow, the college life and these Clapton songs. The melody so beautiful and awesome! Distracting! and distracting.

2:50 AM: Ok, review. Now I'm at three chapters and a significant amount to go. But now I'm sleepy. What I need is a break, I think. A ten-minute break that won't hurt anyone. It shall serve to recharge my batteries and bring that pumped-up mood back. A break!

4:10 AM: Did I make a note to self about that TV show being evil? Because if I did, I should've remembered. How will how to tame dragons help me now? Stupid! Fool! 

5:20 AM: We just wanted to study. That's all we wanted. Yesssss, preciousssss....

5:45 AM: That's one more chapter. I realize now that I don't remember the stuff I've done before. This brings up several potential problems. Also, fuck you Vaio. What do you know about the troubles of the world I live in? Just sit there and judge me, with your radiant purple-ness and that ingenious analog-binary logo.

6:50 AM: You know, this is the problem with the Indian education system. Fucking rote learning. Just memorize the textbook they say! There's studying but there's no learning people.
People learn because they want to, not because they have to! We shouldn't be made to! 
I'm going to revolt. Yeah, I'll revolutionize the Indian education system. People will wear t-shirts with my face on them and paint my name on various kinds of walls. This way I'll extend the revolution to the clothing and paint industry. Fuck yeah! 
They are not allowed to fill this textbook crap down our throats. They'll pay!

7:10 AM: But if I wanted to study, I would've done it on my own and already have known this by now. No, no, no, it is their fault. Revolt!

7:20 AM: Ok, I won't revolt. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep!

7:21 AM-8:00 AM: Uncontrolled weeping!

8:01 AM: Well, I'll do what I know. Do a handstand so that the blood rushes towards my head. I read this somewhere, it's always good if blood rushes towards your head.

8:04 AM: Alright, I can't do a handstand. I'll just elevate my legs so that the blood rushes towards my head.

8:05 AM: FUUUCCKK!!

8:06 AM: Ok, I guess there's already blood in my head. There has to be! 

8:30 AM: Yes, Dave Grohl, absolutely, someone IS taking the best of me. No I was born to resist, not be abused.

8:35 AM: I swear I'll never give in I refuuuuuuseee!

8:36 AM-12:55 PM Unplanned sinful sleep, littered with dreams of Vaio managing to play one of those Clapton tunes.

12:56 PM: SHIT!

I did write all of those papers by the way. And I wrote them with flying colors, including blue, black and also grey-pencilish color.
They went exactly how you want them to when you start studying at 11 PM. Also luckily, there is always a fairly large scope for bullshit.

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

SCOPE FOR BULLSHIT:
If you're strong with the ways of the force, like myself (The Force here being English, strong meaning Pedantic and myself meaning me) you'll find it easy to write your way out of situations. The scope for this kind of art is limited in technical subjects, mind you. I've learnt this from experience.

Eg: Derive the 3-D heat equation
Me: The idea of a 3-D space has been a key feature in splitting up the conceptual sphere that encompasses generations of limited, similar minded thinkers. I speak of the addition of the elusive z-coordinate to the intellectual spectrum. Of course, space by itself, is only space. Now heat, heat expands to fill available space. Hence, it makes sense for heat and 3-D space to be related in some manner. The parameters of this question also makes it largely evident. 
(Note to self : Scribble at the end to make it look like you ran out of time)

The answer sheet for such answers, if given this way, will be returned with a burnt hole in it. Technical subjects are impervious to the kind of bullshit I'm a pro at. 
This leads to the fact that there is an identifiable scope in which to bullshit. The key is to look for abstract names, general terms etc

Eg: Intangible assets and how you can value them?
I greet such questions with extremely delighted giggle. Brilliant sentences begin to form in my mind as soon as I read the question.
My answer?

The term Intangible Assets refer to the kind of useful or valuable thing which can't be seen, touched, smelled or felt. They are very mysterious in many ways and valuating them is not something everyone could do. For these kinds of purposes we have qualified people who engross the knowledge of the several ways one can valuate them.

(Note to self: Important bullshit concept - Write what you know, not what they ask)

The term Value has ambiguous meanings. Depends on the way you look at it. If you think it's a noun, then it means principles of behavior or one's moral judgement. That's deep but not pertaining to the question because it doesn't make any sense.
Value has to be a verb. It must mean how to guess the monetary worth of the said non-physical mysterious asset the question talks about. That explains the question.
Since the assets can't be comprehended in the way we understand most of the things in our windy physical world, intellectuals have come up with lot of quantifiable methods in which to wholly monetize the desired intangible assets...

This went on for several pages.

From experience, I can tell you that that answer worked. Ways of the force!

This post is inspired by the fact that I'm reaching the end of my degree and I want to leave behind such unnoticed but highly useful tips for future generations. Generosity goes a long way, I tell you!

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Pretty please.