Sunday, 19 July 2015

Alter Egos

It's been a long fucking day for this supervillain. I hobble into my flat on my one good leg, after spending seemingly hours trying to get my keys into the door with my one good arm. And the Continuum Transmogrifier is gone, shattered into a million pieces. Like I said, it's been a disappointing day. 

I hobble into the living room to see my flatmate in front of the TV, holding a beer to his face. His hair is blackened, is face covered in a thin layer of ash, and he turns to me, his eyes bloodshot. 

"What the hell ? You look like a Mummy" He said. 

"The fuck happened to you? You look like somebody who did a major fuck up." I replied. 

We both started laughing, and he got up. 

"You need a beer, like yesterday dude" 

"Doc said I had concussion. no beers for me.. but an ice pack would be the shit" 

I slouch on the couch, and he comes back from the kitchen with an ice pack. I take it and put it to my shoulder. 

"So what happened ?" he said 

"Car.. came right at me" I say, the concussion preventing me from making up an outright lie. 

"Aw man.. did you get any details?" 

"Went by too fast. But that's my sob story, what the hell happened to you" 

"Ah well... a fryer exploded at work. Someone tried to fry a chicken." 

"Man, some people are too goddamn stupid to live" 

"Ah, that kind of thing happens. You get used to it" 

I glance at the TV, it's some reality dating show. 

"Can we change the channel, I hate this reality show bullshit " 

He picked up the remote and switched channels, and it was the news. Inside I groan, but I have a cover I have to keep up. 

"Woah, keep it on the news", I say "I heard that Slowhand was fucking shit up on main street". 

I hear him groan. I hate putting him through this, because he hates this superhero crap as much as I do. But there may come a time when I need a character witness. 

The newscast played, with the anchor intoning ".... A brutal fight raged across main street as Skydog attempted to flee from a robbery..." 

I watch myself on the television. My costume seems so much less graceful in front of the cameras. I'll admit, my flying gear really isn't that elegant. Not compared to Slowhand. I watch him glide in and blind side me with a sucker punch. I whoop enthusiastically, whilst I hear groans from my companion. 

"Look at all the damage these guys are causing" 

I find it hard to disagree. Especially when I watch myself throw Slowhand headlong into an oil tanker. It bursts into flame. How could he survive that explosion? But of course, I turn my back on him, and just like always, he re-emerges. Covered in smoke and flames, still determined to fight. 

He throws a goddamn truck at me when I have my back turned. I go down like a fucking ragdoll. Little do the newscasters know, but the continuum transmogrifier shatters in my pocket, instantly transporting me somewhere else. My only lucky break of the day. 

"... Skydog mysteriously escaped, and Slowhand flew off, as always a mystery to the public he works so hard to protect." 

I look at my flat mate, and then myself. 

"Well, at least there are two guys who've had shittier days than us. Am I right?" I say. 

"Yeah" he pauses, frowning for a second "At least we're not them"