Sunday, 28 May 2017

What is artyness?

It took me so long to put out this post, but you see, I was drawing a blank:


That's beautiful stuff right there. Now onto our awesome discussion.

What is artyness?

Artyness, like other words that come before ness (smart, sexy, dumb), is something to be had or developed. Not pursued. Why not pursued? Well, would you pursue a photograph? Would you argue with me? Of course not. No on all counts.

So the question puzzling you is quite obvious. Why would I spell it like that? Because the y in artyness gives it the suave-ness of overusing french words and then hating the french. I like,

So this post is for souls who spend their lives pursuing artyness.

We've all seen the arty creatures. People who describe wine like someone put a 10-course meal in a blender to prepare it. People who don't read a book that everyone has read, just because everyone has read it.
And of course, men who wear scarves,

Consider the following - Take two historians, and for simplicity and to avoid coming up with names, let's call them A and B. Who come from decadence, surviving blood relatives of noble house of historians, which was huge in the dark medieval ages.

Suppose you made them describe the same building, which mind you, is older than the dark ages.

A: Yeah, it has walls. Some windows with glasses on it. Pretty neat.

B: It's fantastic. The way the concrete suppresses the eagerness of the liberal use of glass in the windows. However, the corners, they come together delicately, yet firmly, but gracefully, like lovers bonded tightly.

A would of course be out of work, going insane about the fact that he only saw a damn building, while B would become famous, receive many accolades and later run away with A's wife to make sweet love to her down by the fire.

So we reach, what they usually call a fork in the road. To be normal leaves you go insane with somebody running away with your wife, but pretentious talking gets you accolades, lots of action and my warm hatred.

I struggled with this for years, as I traveled through the mountains. Finally found the answer one night when I took shelter at a monastery.

A simple monk who had timeless wisdom etched on his forehead took me in. Just as I looked at him I realized that he knows what it means to be truly happy. Only that could make him oblivious of the fact that he had terrible body odour.

"Mr. Monk", I said, "I have a problem"
"Please, there is no need for formality. Call me pudding.", said the monk with a twinkle in his eye

"Umm...ok, pudding. So my problem is: To be or not to be, a pretentious man"
"Calm down, my son. Drink some of this sacred water.", said pudding

He wisely continued, "the answer to your question has been with my folks for thousands of years now. It's what we call the middle path"
"What do you mean by middle path", I puzzled.

"The middle path is to be as arty you need to be to make people take you seriously. But remembering how pretentious you are the entire time. It is, but the difference between you and an arty person", pudding said, wisely.

I started feeling a bit woozy. "What was in that sacred water anyway?"
He smiled. "You shall see, my son. You will soon start, as they say, tripping balls"

I murmured something and woke up a few days later. With Pudding the monk's words firmly in my mind.

Let's just real quickly skim through the required historical background, before I getting to the middle path.

Making things arty

Now, if you're anything like me, and I hope for your sake that you are, you'll need to make things arty from time to time. Daunting as this may seem at first, I shall break it down for you in little easy-to-follow steps.
Sidebar: Having a blog is a real bonus.

Start out with something normal -

  • Boy meets girl romantic comedy. Let's take 'Something about Mary'
  • Now turn that on its head. So you get a boy meets boy serious homosexual romance. Let's say 'There's something about Larry'
  • Turn that into something that even fewer people will watch. 'There's something about sharing Larry'
  • Change the language and force people to use subtitles. 'लैरी को दुसरो के साथ बाटने का कथन'
There. This is now as arty as arty can get.

Pissing off arty people

This is something I do and enjoy on a daily basis. All it typically takes is to tell arty people (specially arty writers) a name of some mainstream novel. I always use Harry Potter (which I actually do like). The reaction you'll get can be of the following two ways - 
  1. He/ she will run away screaming (Preferred)
  2. He/ she will tell you that if you must read fiction, you should read fantastic works of Leo Tolstoy. You should be very careful at this point. If somebody is trying to make you read Tolstoy, proceed with heavy caution. I read one of his works, and it took me months to recover.
The arty-est thing in the world
Is poetry. See, no build up here. And if you want to be at the epitome of artyness, I've got you covered. You can take tips on how to increase the level of your douchebaggery here

Before we begin, I'd like to disclose that I've always pronounced poem as poe-yum. I just could not make myself to correct that. Personally I blame my primary school. When you make kids read shitloads of poeyums, crazy shit like this can happen.

Now, I wasn't just talking about poetry. I was talking about minimalist poetry. The kind that has resulted in over interpretation of old poems and poets.


Japanese poetry that's governed by number of syllables in a metric phrase.
It was discovered by two Japanese guys who figured it out and said "Hey cool". But in Japanese accent it sounded like "Hai Ku". Which eventually just became Haiku.

Personally I'm all for Haiku, It just somehow appeals to the pretentious creature in me,

Now, you might be wondering why I wrote a section about haiku when I've nothing bad to say about it. It's because I'm awesome and I do what I want.
Now watch this seamless transition to the next section.


I'm not here to dismiss artyness in all its entirety, because it's related to want to fake eccentricity, which has been synonymous with genius since before the dark ages,

So the next time you feel like telling people the reason why a chain of safety pins is hanging from your ears is because you need to get into the psyche of a paper-puncher to open pathways of light in your life, remember what you're saying and how little sense it makes.
As Pudding said, it's only the awareness of the fact that separates you from an arty person.

As usual, if you've read so far, leave a comment.
I need something to print out and hold tightly.